Date: Thursday, July 13, 2006
Time: 6:52:00 PM

i'm sad. very very sad indeed.
even the very anticipated english enrichment lesson wasnt able to cheer me up.

and i really dun wanna talk abt unhappy stuffs in my this 100th post.
but i cant help it. i feel like a loser. a complete one.

yes. i have failed my maths. but do you have to show all our names on the screen during math lecture and let the whole world know that we are the failures?

yes. ' the F-graders'. so u called. thanks to mr leow, whose speech has totally deflated my remaining bit of confidence. yes. if we cant make it to the university, there are still LOTS OF CHOICES for us. NYP, NP, SP, RP.... we can even choose to go overseas. how fantastic!
but i tell you, i'm NOT GONNA END UP in these places.
and YES. you and your group of math teachers will help us to jump for at least 2 grades. but i am telling you now that i'm GONNA JUMP 6 GRADES.

i'm not against them indentifying us and asking us to go for the structured remedial lessons. but i jus dont understd why they had to show our names during lecture. and let everybody see.
it's hard to bear with the kinda humiliation that i jus experienced. everybody thought that i was stressed. but i really wasnt. i jus cldnt take it. never had i in my life failed in exams. and this is my first time. and straight away, i'm identified as a 'F-grader'.
do you know how much courage i need to muster before pushing my hand against the LT5 door and walked to my seat? do u know how humiliating it was? mb im thinking too much and i hope i am.
people will go, ' so, you call urself an ASEAN scholar, and yet u failed ur maths?'
that's a joke isnt it.
do you think i want to be like this?
and do you think i like it very much to be a scholar? if i hav a choice, i'd rather be like any other foreigner, do not have to work under such special attention and pressure.
it's perfectly NORMAL for other students to perform badly. but for us, once we dont do well, the teachers will shake their heads in great disapproval. 'u have done badly'.
i know, we are expected to perform. but my dear teachers, u all shld understd also that everybody has different capacity.

i dunno y i was so emotional. it feels like u are on a mountain all the while, and suddenly u fall into a deep well. and u are not able to get out of it.
i have been making the effort to ensure that i did well in my prev lecture tests. and i did.
and jus bcuz of one time failure, i'm straightaway identified as 'the weaker students'. can u imagine that? we are categorised as 'the F-graders'. isnt that COOL?
is that fair for me?
and u think by talking to us in that 'u-think-it-is-inspiring' tone we will therefore pick up the motivation to study?
i tell you, it didnt work on me at all.
and i really hate it hate it hate it hate it.

i told myself repeatedly. fang xia ni de zi zun, mian dui shi bai. but i feel worse. i need to get over this asap. i cant let this affect me.





luckily, there's someone like you. it's a bliss to have you in school.
you will be the benchmark. and i will work hard.